This is what my mother in law made for lunch for 4 adults and two children...Egg salad, turkey, ham, two cheeses, breads, 2 bags of chips, spinach dip with bread, ranch dip with vegetables, three kinds of cookies. Strawberry whip cream cake,& brownies. I brought hummus and veggies. I ate vegies and a spoon of hummus. I was heckled about dessert. And dinner is in two hours. Shoot me now.
i am a laxative addict.
i do not need them to poo.
oh no, i am a vegetarian...pooing is never a problem.
it's the control, and the small decrease i see on the scale that keeps me popping the pills.
there is probably something to be said about needing to punish myself for food i eat, or sins i've committed, or whatever...
anyway, that's for another time.
so i'd been stashing some in my gym bag.
the bag that used to be my teenage daughter's book bag.
that she decided to use again for school.
she found my stash.
she had a fit.
because her school has a drug snifing dog on campus every single day.
if they get caught with so much as a Motrin, it's an automatic suspension.
that was yesterday.
guess who came thru her PE locker room today?
you guessed it.
i just dodged a bullet on that one.
can you imagine??
yesterday he spent so much time talking about how great i looked,
that one of the other clients told us to get a room.
jealous bitch. (with a fat, lumpy, shelf-like ass)
i like this muscle.
but the number is making me panic.
wring my hands, get your shit together, panic.
i wish i could take it off when i got on the scale...
like a costume.
because that's what those muscles are...
now before you say what i've thought about this photo (god, how FAT)...remember...those clothes are a small. i wear a four. and i don't have an ounce of fat on my spinners legs. that's solid muscle. and i eat 800 calories a day.
do you ever just have those moments where you can feel everything that is wrong with your life?
like, you see all of the answers right in front of you?
i need comfort.
i need a hug.
i need love.
i have a family.
i have boys who want to fuck me.
i have a job i really love.
i have friends who support me.
but i need someone who wants to love me, more than anything.
someone who needs me more than air
i almost had it.
once, after that boy who did love me (and i loved him) discovered my eating disorder, and we were discussing how miserable hunger made me...
that boy asked....
"so if i'd just given you a sandwich, you would have been happier?"
i said "yes."
but i should have said
'just keep on loving me the way you do right now"
there are days i don't know how to go on like this, alone.
i had salad.
and half of three pieces of pizza....
and a brownie and a dessert breadstick.
( i know...half of three?)
(well, people see you take three and they stop worrying.)
(&the skinny part of the triangle is barely anything if you think about it. i don't eat within three inches of the crust)
and because of the 3.5 mile hilly run this morning i am ok with this.
my brother has lots of seriously ill anorexic friends, i try not to scare him further.
see, if i were sick would i be able to do this?
tonight i was sitting in an auditorium full of parents like me, listening to the high school band
(who's rated first in the entire state of Illinois, whoop whoop)
and all i could think about was how awesome my wrist looks....
how there is a deep hallow between where my wrist meets the tiny bone that eventually goes up into my thumb....
about how vein-y my hand is, especially on days that i lift....
and then i looked around me at all these other people.
some were fat, some were normal. one or two were tiny like me.
but i look at them, and i think they are lucky, or it is genetics.
and i became really sad.
can you imagine a moment that wasn't full of thoughts about food?
or not eating food?
or new ways to burn off that food?
so, my husband and children did nothing for me for mother's day.
my 15 year old daughter was asked by someone what she was doing for me, and she said
"nothing. i'm good to my mom every day."
my mom and my aunt both said to me, seperately...
"well, maybe you can work your way up at the gym and work in the daycare!"
(because being an instructor isn't the top of the fucking pyramid?)
and seeing happy, normal functional families everywhere, moms smiling, kids giggling...
all the happy facebook updates about how fabulous my friends were treated by their kids...
makes me downright suicidal.
i mean, if my own kids at their young ages take me for granted now, what hope do i have??
i am deeply alone.
so I popped a handful of laxatives, a big glub of cold medicine,
and i went to bed at 5PM.
i am booking myself a hidden hotel room.
i am going to get a pedicure, drink mojitoes,
eat pizza and chocolate,
and lay in the pool all day
under the glaring eyes of all the fat moms that are around.
i should be downright skeletal by then.
i have a full year to starve.
the only good thing that happened was that my mother in law showed me pictures from easter, and wow.
i am skinny.
i didn't really know it.
i need to get my hands on those photos.
so i do love my job.
and the things that come with it...
like lots of strenght training for free...
lifting with co-workers...
nutritional talk all the time.
reps pushing supplements and drinks down my throat...
i miss that
"if i sneeze i might break" feel
i'm deep into a dark period right now.
i'm missing a boy that i love that i can not have.
my fear is that since i have no hope of having him again, i will become fat.
i'm working my way thru this at the moment by submerging myself in a diet completely of vita-muffins and whey protein powder.
i think this will give me just enough oomph to still instruct.
and not enough to gain.
i want to lose.
i need to lose ten more.
for i can not control the other...
that thing that brings me down.
i hate knowing exactly what my trigger is.
my darkness feels like it needs some flirting to solve it.
i hate this part of me.
did i tell you that the lad i was flirting up at the gym turned out to be seventeen?
yeah, i saw him when i dropped off my DAUGHTER.
at the HIGH SCHOOL.
and he's my boss' baby brother??