tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-88359501337575538072024-02-21T07:55:39.376-06:00too fat to be anorexicverylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-26371555063546234282016-12-16T23:34:00.001-06:002016-12-16T23:34:41.087-06:00Tried<p dir="ltr">I've been thru it all. Fertility testing, steroids, vaginal probes. I carried a sperm cup in my bra to get tested. There is nothing wrong. Old stuff, eggs and sperm..but lots of them and healthy ones at that. <br>
You think that would be a relief...but no. It isn't. <br>
I looked back at my tracking app...at nd we just haven't had sex when I was fertile. I've told him...but nothing. Even this month; when I've been on the pills and steroids, no caffeine, doing all the things the dr asked and we aren't having sex. I'm in the family room crying and he is asleep. <br>
Why?? I'm not the one that wants this. What is this sick game? When do I say enough? HOW do I say ENOUGH?!?!<br>
</p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-58679709305420809962016-05-05T21:35:00.001-05:002016-05-05T21:35:43.001-05:00Every day in may<p dir="ltr">What do you do when everything single thing you do is wrong?<br>
When you feel happy...but then it's WRONG...how do process that and ever trust the happy?</p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-89939718168044969302016-04-30T21:26:00.001-05:002016-04-30T21:26:42.829-05:00Fertility and fatness.<p dir="ltr">I'm angry at my body for letting me down. <br>
I dont know how to process it besides purging. <br></p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-76071284906125426472015-11-15T21:57:00.001-06:002015-11-15T21:57:38.502-06:00Breaking the girl<p dir="ltr">I wonder if he knows how often I wish I were dead. <br>
I wonder if he knows that I know what he does, or if he even know that he is doing it. <br>
When he withholds love. When he jdges. When he procrastinates. When he lies. When he breaks my heart.</p>
<p dir="ltr">We all run around waiting for him to give love, or take love. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And yet I apologize, and try, and break. <br></p>
<p dir="ltr">Most days, lately all the days, I can't feel. But to heyday I feel hurt. And the only thing thing that keeps me on this earth is the boy. </p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-28642659005660278282015-09-21T22:19:00.001-05:002015-09-21T22:19:44.685-05:00Slit.<p dir="ltr">I wish someone, anyone, would give me a break. <br>
A hug. Something nice. Not pity. <br>
Maybe love. <br>
I've been fighting for so long, and I've failed at everything. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I cut myself tonight. Kitchen knife. Deep. Didn't even bleed. </p>
<p dir="ltr">That frightens me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">If you bleed to see if you are ok, and don't bleed, what does that mean?</p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-54574062806359294502015-07-21T07:37:00.001-05:002015-11-15T21:58:24.978-06:00Hurt<p dir="ltr">I don't understand why people feel better by hurting others. <br>
My boyfriend posted on Facebook a story about how he threw a street preachers pamphlet in the gutter, and how the sadness that caused the man gave him enough jo<u>y</u> to navigate the day. <br>
A friend told me she didn't understand how her daughter has been so joyful when she had a birthday party and had isolated and ignored one of the girls invited. Yet she had done the same thing to me just a week prior to gain favor with another aquaintance. <br>
This leaves me to wonder if I myself do this sort of thing to others. I hope not.</p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-88370376136278493992015-04-28T22:16:00.001-05:002015-04-28T22:16:45.799-05:00Bed of violets <p dir="ltr">There is something so broken, so twisted, so hurt deep down inside of me...<br>
That I will never really love.<br>
I will never really accept. <br>
I will never be ok. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Even at 41, I purge. <br>
I cut. <br>
I am fat.<br>
I am unloved by anyone except my children. Even that love will fade. </p>
<p dir="ltr">There is a man laying on bed next to me that wants to love me. He says he loves me. He says it. He doesn't practice it. <br>
Or maybe he does. I don't know because I don't understand love. </p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-19597703910909813232015-03-12T18:26:00.001-05:002015-04-28T22:17:04.120-05:00Do you ever think of me, in the quiet, in the crowd<p dir="ltr">There is a boy I loved. I think of him always. I'm not sure that is normal. <br>
Maybe not always. I'll be happy, and then his name will appear in my head. I become sad. <br>
Maybe that is grief. Moving on. Being happy <u>or</u> sad. And missing them. And still moving forward. <br>
I'd do anything to live my life with him. <br>
Anything except live my life with him. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I don't understand myself. </p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-34739985403676441692015-03-10T11:12:00.001-05:002015-03-10T11:12:31.928-05:00Sadness<p dir="ltr">I've been deeply sad lately. <br>
The winter has been harsh. <br>
Not just cold. It <u>has</u> felt long. I have felt alone, even though I'm not. <br>
Often I look around, or I look at myself, and all I see is the life and the me that everyone else wants for me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I really have nobody to blame but myself for that. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I need to work on that. </p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-86962367536711243402015-01-20T19:52:00.001-06:002015-01-20T19:52:43.651-06:00Stinky little things.<p dir="ltr">I just want to have a baby and stay home. I don't know how long I can hold on to anything other than that. </p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-56537457046321846482014-11-09T19:59:00.001-06:002014-11-09T19:59:55.369-06:00No shine<p dir="ltr">I think about killing myself all day long.<br>
And nobody on earth wants to hear it.</p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-20100360897427716212014-11-02T18:12:00.001-06:002014-11-02T18:12:05.192-06:0097<p dir="ltr">I'm afraid. I'm unhappy. I don't know how to improve my life. <br>
I want to die. I love my son. But I want to die.<br>
</p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-69310486052122847692014-09-08T17:15:00.001-05:002014-09-08T17:15:51.145-05:00Hello, what the hell am I doing here? <p dir="ltr">It's been a minute. <br>
Since last post, I've divorced, found a boyfriend, moved twice, started college, gained 50 pounds, and other neat stuff.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I've started running again. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Here goes. </p>
verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-48491742972192047942011-02-03T20:04:00.000-06:002011-02-03T20:04:13.284-06:00So.<br />
I've been eating.<br />
And bodybuilding.<br />
Not remotely anorexic.<br />
<br />
Of course bodybuilding is just another, more intense version of an eating disorder.<br />
<br />
And I'm in love! <br />
I think.<br />
<br />
And I'm going to start blogging here again.<br />
I have so much to say.verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-21639007662825097562010-06-27T18:50:00.002-05:002010-06-27T18:50:13.824-05:00email from my aunt...This saturday nite?? we are going to an alumni dinner at 6:30ish...<br />
what sounds good for you for the 4th... I want to have something that you will be comfortable w/ for food??? any ideas.... been kicking around maybe veggies roasted on a kabob (peppers. cherry tomatoes, pineapple, zucchini, ??? whatever else??) The cheese enchiladas I did in the crock pot last yr... would that be to much starch & cheese for you??? I want you to enjoy but not have to be concerned about what you are eating!! let me know!!!verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-86588299605605250652010-06-24T14:52:00.002-05:002010-06-24T14:52:24.070-05:00more proof he will have an eating disorder like his mama....so... my five year old son is currently in the process of eating an entire box of pop tarts<br />
"so they will just be gone, and no one else can have them"<br />
<br />
yeah, i did this.<br />
hell...sometimes i still do.verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-25588408718325751452010-06-22T14:54:00.002-05:002010-06-22T14:54:47.365-05:00caught?"So you are eating hardly any calories, right"<br />
<br />
that was in my inbox. from a friend.<br />
<br />
fuuuuuck.<br />
<br />
i replied<br />
"i guess that depends how you define hardly any."verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-1394637644789959662010-06-20T22:52:00.001-05:002010-06-20T22:53:11.291-05:00personal besti ran a 5K in 26:50 today.<br />
i keep looking at my time, thinking i am wrong.<br />
i couldn't have run it that fast, could i have??<br />
<br />
i did.<br />
<br />
and i promptly celebrated by binging on 3 pieces of pizza and 4 cake donuts.<br />
oh. i already hate myself.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ4J_tSoJ6DmB3DP46CgEwowx3X_R7QzdfV5Haxsuhx9V2Jsu1ZTt1IJEe86i_uySmdvHG9-CnwMJUjYtmR66SzHe0DBVCE_rsxHh8jrxXvoCJD5V8WNp_OQevmwop5mtn_mB7pp5kbZAI/s1600/runners.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ4J_tSoJ6DmB3DP46CgEwowx3X_R7QzdfV5Haxsuhx9V2Jsu1ZTt1IJEe86i_uySmdvHG9-CnwMJUjYtmR66SzHe0DBVCE_rsxHh8jrxXvoCJD5V8WNp_OQevmwop5mtn_mB7pp5kbZAI/s320/runners.jpg" /></a></div>verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-37210903490986125492010-06-16T08:54:00.002-05:002010-06-16T08:54:11.613-05:00apples don't fall far...this morning my five year old son put his swim trunks on in preperation for a day at the water park.<br />
he promptly pulled the full length mirror out into the living room....<br />
looked at his behind...<br />
and asked "how do i look??"<br />
<br />
my crazy spreads.verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-83213833452236609432010-06-12T06:55:00.000-05:002010-06-12T06:55:30.771-05:00thanks, me.i have lost 11.8 pounds this week. i am smack dab in the middle of my comfort zone.<br />
i have maintained all of my muscles, added a few i'm sure.<br />
<br />
but my skin hurts, my body shakes,<br />
and i couldn't have sex with my husband today.<br />
<br />
i just couldn't.<br />
<br />
last night i had recollections of my mother telling me "boys won't like you if you do that"<br />
she used it for everything.<br />
acted sassy, ate, picked my scabs, got a bad grade. <br />
"you won't find a husband if you _____"<br />
<br />
and i wonder why my self esteem is based in boys?<br />
i know why not keeping the only boy i've ever really loved makes me take my issues to new levels.<br />
<br />
if i improved ______, the boy would like me.<br />
he would stay.<br />
<br />
thanks, mom.verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-25783266705617188762010-06-11T18:05:00.000-05:002010-06-11T18:05:45.373-05:00yes, things do feel better when i am starving.so... i ate a vegi chicken breast and protein pita before bringing my son to the water park today. 140 calories.<br />
i felt like a fat ass all day long.<br />
<br />
all i could see at the park were skinnier girls, and boys who weren't looking at me.<br />
<br />
you will note in this photo the dress on the floor and my swim bag on the chair.<br />
i literally walked in the door, dropped the dress, and took a shot of my ass to see if it looked as bad as it felt.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkHQy1RAEegF3LEWL1KtTTycoshiraA8w0auuXQcgcC67femGnMyEQuwOhZrhiyR9lA6bJ5jmzmlzX_U1IMYjfgYdmLdceoDpiHdSVN66DuIwJEw27YZ-u3HwonAaXJEQLdpb-aPgCor1_/s1600/fanny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkHQy1RAEegF3LEWL1KtTTycoshiraA8w0auuXQcgcC67femGnMyEQuwOhZrhiyR9lA6bJ5jmzmlzX_U1IMYjfgYdmLdceoDpiHdSVN66DuIwJEw27YZ-u3HwonAaXJEQLdpb-aPgCor1_/s400/fanny.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
my ex-boyfriend used to get so mad at me for taking photos like this.<br />
i couldn't explain it to him.<br />
a friend recently recommended that i read "wasted" by Mayra Hornbacher.<br />
in the first pages she explains why we take these photos, and i started to cry.<br />
i can't keep reading this book.<br />
<br />
i've never read ana books.<br />
i don't think i can start now.<br />
it frightens me how we are all the same.<br />
i can't deny it if i read further.<br />
because the way i see it....i'm still way to fat to be anorexic.verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-12178403428484935642010-06-11T09:03:00.000-05:002010-06-11T09:03:14.954-05:00am i living in a parallel universe, or are things really better when i'm starving?down again.<br />
another 0.8<br />
<br />
i went to the water park yesterday with my son.<br />
i wore a swimsuit.<br />
and i felt good in it.<br />
strange.<br />
<br />
i taught my regular spin class, and it was full.<br />
i even had to turn two people away.<br />
crazy.verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-27047835110517651572010-06-10T06:06:00.001-05:002010-06-10T06:06:06.604-05:00I'm in my safety zone.<br>-9 pounds since Saturday.<p>There is a bit of joy in this. <br>Sadness that my husband watches me waste away<br>& says nothing.verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-27885255815591580852010-06-09T12:35:00.000-05:002010-06-09T12:35:32.081-05:00no unicorns shitting rainbows. not for me, at least.down 6.4 pounds since saturday.<br />
<br />
sadly enough, i had to use a claculator to do that math.<br />
and it took me 5 minutes to even find the icon on my desktop.<br />
i'm running out of fuel, girls.<br />
no carbs left to fuel the brain. <br />
<br />
i was asked if i was feeling better about my body, if there was happy at the end of the skinny rainbow.<br />
i will soon be in my comfort zone, 2 more pounds. that will be good.<br />
if i lose another 14 pounds i will be at my ultimate goal weight.<br />
i think i can do this, i feel strong this cycle. <br />
<br />
i don't think i will ever be happy with my body, though.<br />
sometimes i look at myself, and it surprises me.<br />
i know it should be less than enough.<br />
<br />
but i'm a fat girl on the inside.<br />
i always will be.<br />
can't diet that away.verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8835950133757553807.post-20725552626054380842010-06-08T13:29:00.000-05:002010-06-08T13:29:42.517-05:00wastedi've lost five pounds since Saturday.<br />
today i went to the gym, my skinny girl trainer (who never compliments) said<br />
"wow, you are looking especially skinny today!"<br />
and my boy trainer (who will tell me my ass is flabby if it is and not think twice) said<br />
"wow, you are looking thin and tight! damn! are you buying smaller clothes? even your face looks thinner!"<br />
and then he goes around telling EVERYONE about how i wouldn't eat, and then he started training me, and i started eating and listening to him, and look! wow!<br />
<br />
you know how hard i was laughing on the inside, right?verylastletterhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04859995092788300148noreply@blogger.com5