Tried

I've been thru it all. Fertility testing, steroids, vaginal probes. I carried a sperm cup in my bra to get tested. There is nothing wrong. Old stuff, eggs and sperm..but lots of them and healthy ones at that.
You think that would be a relief...but no. It isn't.
I looked back at my tracking app...at nd we just haven't had sex when I was fertile. I've told him...but nothing. Even this month; when I've been on the pills and steroids, no caffeine, doing all the things the dr asked and we aren't having sex. I'm in the family room crying and he is asleep.
Why?? I'm not the one that wants this. What is this sick game? When do I say enough? HOW do I say ENOUGH?!?!

Every day in may

What do you do when everything single thing you do is wrong?
When you feel happy...but then it's WRONG...how do process that and ever trust the happy?

Fertility and fatness.

I'm angry at my body for letting me down.
I dont know how to process it besides purging.

Breaking the girl

I wonder if he knows how often I wish I were dead.
I wonder if he knows that I know what he does, or if he even know that he is doing it.
When he withholds love. When he jdges. When he procrastinates. When he lies. When he breaks my heart.

We all run around waiting for him to give love, or take love.

And yet I apologize, and try, and break.

Most days, lately all the days, I can't feel. But to heyday I feel hurt. And the only thing thing that keeps me on this earth is the boy.

Slit.

I wish someone, anyone, would give me a break.
A hug. Something nice. Not pity.
Maybe love.
I've been fighting for so long, and I've failed at everything.

I cut myself tonight. Kitchen knife. Deep. Didn't even bleed.

That frightens me.

If you bleed to see if you are ok, and don't bleed, what does that mean?

Hurt

I don't understand why people feel better by hurting others.
My boyfriend posted on Facebook a story about how he threw a street preachers pamphlet in the gutter, and how the sadness that caused the man gave him enough joy to navigate the day.
A friend told me she didn't understand how her daughter has been so joyful when she had a birthday party and had isolated and ignored one of the girls invited. Yet she had done the same thing to me just a week prior to gain favor with another aquaintance.
This leaves me to wonder if I myself do this sort of thing to others. I hope not.

Bed of violets

There is something so broken, so twisted, so hurt deep down inside of me...
That I will never really love.
I will never really accept.
I will never be ok.

Even at 41, I purge.
I cut.
I am fat.
I am unloved by anyone except my children. Even that love will fade.

There is a man laying on bed next to me that wants to love me. He says he loves me. He says it. He doesn't practice it.
Or maybe he does. I don't know because I don't understand love.

Do you ever think of me, in the quiet, in the crowd

There is a boy I loved. I think of him always. I'm not sure that is normal.
Maybe not always. I'll be happy, and then his name will appear in my head. I become sad.
Maybe that is grief. Moving on. Being happy or sad. And missing them. And still moving forward.
I'd do anything to live my life with him.
Anything except live my life with him.

I don't understand myself.

Sadness

I've been deeply sad lately.
The winter has been harsh.
Not just cold. It has felt long. I have felt alone, even though I'm not.
Often I look around, or I look at myself, and all I see is the life and the me that everyone else wants for me.

I really have nobody to blame but myself for that.

I need to work on that.

Stinky little things.

I just want to have a baby and stay home.  I don't know how long I can hold on to anything other than that.

No shine

I think about killing myself all day long.
And nobody on earth wants to hear it.

97

I'm afraid. I'm unhappy. I don't know how to improve my life.
I want to die. I love my son. But I want to die.

Hello, what the hell am I doing here?

It's been a minute.
Since last post, I've divorced, found a boyfriend, moved twice, started college, gained 50 pounds, and other neat stuff.

I've started running again.

Here goes.

So.
I've been eating.
And bodybuilding.
Not remotely anorexic.

Of course bodybuilding is just another, more intense version of an eating disorder.

And I'm in love!
I think.

And I'm going to start blogging here again.
I have so much to say.

email from my aunt...

This saturday nite?? we are going to an alumni dinner at 6:30ish...
what sounds good for you for the 4th... I want to have something that you will be comfortable w/ for food??? any ideas.... been kicking around maybe veggies roasted on a kabob (peppers. cherry tomatoes, pineapple, zucchini, ??? whatever else??) The cheese enchiladas I did in the crock pot last yr... would that be to much starch & cheese for you??? I want you to enjoy but not have to be concerned about what you are eating!! let me know!!!

more proof he will have an eating disorder like his mama....

so... my five year old son is currently in the process of eating an entire box of pop tarts
"so they will just be gone, and no one else can have them"

yeah, i did this.
hell...sometimes i still do.

caught?

"So you are eating hardly any calories, right"

that was in my inbox. from a friend.

fuuuuuck.

i replied
"i guess that depends how you define hardly any."

personal best

i ran a 5K in 26:50 today.
i keep looking at my time, thinking i am wrong.
i couldn't have run it that fast, could i have??

i did.

and i promptly celebrated by binging on 3 pieces of pizza and 4 cake donuts.
oh. i already hate myself.

apples don't fall far...

this morning my five year old son put his swim trunks on in preperation for a day at the water park.
he promptly pulled the full length mirror out into the living room....
looked at his behind...
and asked "how do i look??"

my crazy spreads.

thanks, me.

i have lost 11.8 pounds this week. i am smack dab in the middle of my comfort zone.
i have maintained all of my muscles, added a few i'm sure.

but my skin hurts, my body shakes,
and i couldn't have sex with my husband today.

i just couldn't.

last night i had recollections of my mother telling me "boys won't like you if you do that"
she used it for everything.
acted sassy, ate, picked my scabs, got a bad grade.
"you won't find a husband if you _____"

and i wonder why my self esteem is based in boys?
i know why not keeping the only boy i've ever really loved makes me take my issues to new levels.

if i improved ______, the boy would like me.
he would stay.

thanks, mom.