We brought the kids to the zoo yesterday.
If 90% of the people there weren't morbidly obese... maybe the place wouldn't have been so crowded.

That whole maximum-capacity-fire-marshal thing should really be in total pounds, not total people.

This is what my mother in law made for lunch for 4 adults and two children...Egg salad, turkey, ham, two cheeses, breads, 2 bags of chips, spinach dip with bread, ranch dip with vegetables, three kinds of cookies. Strawberry whip cream cake,& brownies. I brought hummus and veggies.
I ate vegies and a spoon of hummus. I was heckled about dessert.
And dinner is in two hours.
Shoot me now.

oh shit.

i am a laxative addict.
i do not need them to poo.
oh no, i am a vegetarian...pooing is never a problem.
it's the control, and the small decrease i see on the scale that keeps me popping the pills.
there is probably something to be said about needing to punish myself for food i eat, or sins i've committed, or whatever...

anyway, that's for another time.

so i'd been stashing some in my gym bag.
the bag that used to be my teenage daughter's book bag.
that she decided to use again for school.

:(

she found my stash.
she had a fit.
because her school has a drug snifing dog on campus every single day.
if they get caught with so much as a Motrin, it's an automatic suspension.

that was yesterday.
guess who came thru her PE locker room today?
you guessed it.

i just dodged a bullet on that one.
can you imagine??

i am a terrible mother.

if i bought it in a box in october, the label would read "normal girl"

despite the bird like amounts of twigs and nuts i eat, the scale doesn't move.

but i'm getting smaller.

it's muscle.

big, bulgy, make-my-trainer-bat-shit-crazy-with-excitement-muscle.

yesterday he spent so much time talking about how great i looked, 

that one of the other clients told us to get a room.

jealous bitch. (with a fat, lumpy, shelf-like ass)

anyway,

i like this muscle.

but the number is making me panic.

wring my hands, get your shit together, panic.

i wish i could take it off when i got on the scale...

like a costume.

because that's what those muscles are...

a costume.

now before you say what i've thought about this photo (god, how FAT)...remember...those clothes are a small.   i wear a four. and i don't have an ounce of fat on my spinners legs.  that's solid muscle. and i eat 800 calories a day.

crazy, right?

I'VE GOT TO STOP WITH THE WEIGHT TRAINING

& no more walking lunges.

like a big sweater, only a person, not yarn.

do you ever just have those moments where you can feel everything that is wrong with your life?
like, you see all of the answers right in front of you?

i need comfort.
i need a hug.
i need love.

i have a family.
i have boys who want to fuck me.
(girls too)
i have a job i really love.
i have friends who support me.

but i need someone who wants to love me, more than anything.
someone who needs me more than air

i almost had it.

once, after that boy who did love me (and i loved him) discovered my eating disorder, and we were discussing how miserable hunger made me...
that boy asked....
"so if i'd just given you a sandwich, you would have been happier?"
i said "yes."
but i should have said
'just keep on loving me the way you do right now"

there are days i don't know how to go on like this, alone.

i laugh in the face of it!

today i went to lunch with my brother and son.

we went to a pizza buffet.

i had salad.
and half of three pieces of pizza....
and a brownie and a dessert breadstick.
( i know...half of three?)
(well, people see you take three and they stop worrying.)
(&the skinny part of the triangle is barely anything if you think about it.  i don't eat within three inches of the crust)

and because of the 3.5 mile hilly run this morning i am ok with this.

my brother has lots of seriously ill anorexic friends, i try not to scare him further.
see, if i were sick would i be able to do this?

i think not!!!

take THAT.

it's up, and it's down.

last night i went our for a run in a tiny tank top and tiny running shorts.
it was the most exposed i've ever felt.

my husband told me i looked hot.

i hope to hold on to how good that felt for more than a nano-second.