email from my aunt...

This saturday nite?? we are going to an alumni dinner at 6:30ish...
what sounds good for you for the 4th... I want to have something that you will be comfortable w/ for food??? any ideas.... been kicking around maybe veggies roasted on a kabob (peppers. cherry tomatoes, pineapple, zucchini, ??? whatever else??) The cheese enchiladas I did in the crock pot last yr... would that be to much starch & cheese for you??? I want you to enjoy but not have to be concerned about what you are eating!! let me know!!!

more proof he will have an eating disorder like his mama....

so... my five year old son is currently in the process of eating an entire box of pop tarts
"so they will just be gone, and no one else can have them"

yeah, i did this.
hell...sometimes i still do.

caught?

"So you are eating hardly any calories, right"

that was in my inbox. from a friend.

fuuuuuck.

i replied
"i guess that depends how you define hardly any."

personal best

i ran a 5K in 26:50 today.
i keep looking at my time, thinking i am wrong.
i couldn't have run it that fast, could i have??

i did.

and i promptly celebrated by binging on 3 pieces of pizza and 4 cake donuts.
oh. i already hate myself.

apples don't fall far...

this morning my five year old son put his swim trunks on in preperation for a day at the water park.
he promptly pulled the full length mirror out into the living room....
looked at his behind...
and asked "how do i look??"

my crazy spreads.

thanks, me.

i have lost 11.8 pounds this week. i am smack dab in the middle of my comfort zone.
i have maintained all of my muscles, added a few i'm sure.

but my skin hurts, my body shakes,
and i couldn't have sex with my husband today.

i just couldn't.

last night i had recollections of my mother telling me "boys won't like you if you do that"
she used it for everything.
acted sassy, ate, picked my scabs, got a bad grade.
"you won't find a husband if you _____"

and i wonder why my self esteem is based in boys?
i know why not keeping the only boy i've ever really loved makes me take my issues to new levels.

if i improved ______, the boy would like me.
he would stay.

thanks, mom.

yes, things do feel better when i am starving.

so... i ate a vegi chicken breast and protein pita before bringing my son to the water park today. 140 calories.
i felt like a fat ass all day long.

all i could see at the park were skinnier girls, and boys who weren't looking at me.

you will note in this photo the dress on the floor and my swim bag on the chair.
i literally walked in the door, dropped the dress, and took a shot of my ass to see if it looked as bad as it felt.

my ex-boyfriend used to get so mad at me for taking photos like this.
i couldn't explain it to him.
a friend recently recommended that i read "wasted" by Mayra Hornbacher.
in the first pages she explains why we take these photos, and i started to cry.
i can't keep reading this book.

i've never read ana books.
i don't think i can start now.
it frightens me how we are all the same.
i can't deny it if i read further.
because the way i see it....i'm still way to fat to be anorexic.