No shine

I think about killing myself all day long.
And nobody on earth wants to hear it.

97

I'm afraid. I'm unhappy. I don't know how to improve my life.
I want to die. I love my son. But I want to die.

Hello, what the hell am I doing here?

It's been a minute.
Since last post, I've divorced, found a boyfriend, moved twice, started college, gained 50 pounds, and other neat stuff.

I've started running again.

Here goes.

So.
I've been eating.
And bodybuilding.
Not remotely anorexic.

Of course bodybuilding is just another, more intense version of an eating disorder.

And I'm in love!
I think.

And I'm going to start blogging here again.
I have so much to say.

email from my aunt...

This saturday nite?? we are going to an alumni dinner at 6:30ish...
what sounds good for you for the 4th... I want to have something that you will be comfortable w/ for food??? any ideas.... been kicking around maybe veggies roasted on a kabob (peppers. cherry tomatoes, pineapple, zucchini, ??? whatever else??) The cheese enchiladas I did in the crock pot last yr... would that be to much starch & cheese for you??? I want you to enjoy but not have to be concerned about what you are eating!! let me know!!!

more proof he will have an eating disorder like his mama....

so... my five year old son is currently in the process of eating an entire box of pop tarts
"so they will just be gone, and no one else can have them"

yeah, i did this.
hell...sometimes i still do.

caught?

"So you are eating hardly any calories, right"

that was in my inbox. from a friend.

fuuuuuck.

i replied
"i guess that depends how you define hardly any."