groan.

how does a skinny girl celebrate an quick 8 pound weight loss?


with cookies, naturally.

is this confessional wafer calorie free?

dear baby jeebus on the chocolate cross,
please make my body eat itself until i get down to my-boyfriend-is-pretending-to-be-gay all time low weight soon.
like, this week.
or else i will hurl myself into a vat of nutella and slowly drown.
thank you,
me.

look for the girl with the broken smile.

a girl i've been working out with for about 8 months said to me today...
"you are looking so cute and tiny! but you are bigger on top!"
and that's where my mind stopped.
she went on to say something about how i looked less frail.
i'm sure she meant that as a compliment.
i am gaining muscle.

i mean...
what did i expect?
i'm doing strength training 5 times a week.
i can dead lift for god's sake.
i'm eating protein.

but
"big on top"
wow.

i almost hurled myself off the balcony.

i want to look like a waif.
i must look half dead.
the outsides must match the insides.

master class....master of something...indeed

so...
ten minutes into the drive to the master class with the other three instructors...
talk turned to how many anorexics they know
and how sad and delusional they all are.

we are the bane of the fitness movement.
(i'd like to think because we know the truth)

it was NOT an easy day.

but i did enjoy the body pump and combat.
the spin....those bitches ain't got nothing on me.

advanced spin

i have been quiet because i have been
busy.

i went and got one of those THINGS...
what do they call it???

oh yes...a JOB.

i've been lucky in life...
maybe because i've chosen not to be a full time working mama...
i've had the luxury of finding something i love and found a way to make money doing it.

it's been suggested i'm just an overachiever, and can't stop till i do it ALL...
(but i like my reasoning better)

but anyway...
for the last while i have been instructing spin at my gym.
it's a job.
there are meetings and salary and tee shirts that say
INSTRUCTOR
across the back.
(i'm an XS, thank you very much)

the old teacher was ushered out and i replaced her.
there has been drama that exhausts me.
i did not take the job until after she left.
but...she called me out in public about the ana.
THAT was a mistake.
i always win.

it seems like my success always comes on the backs of others.
i have a hard time with this.
but i suppose life is about the little choices we make.
i've made mine.
she made hers.

this weekend i have a master spin class in the city.
it's the first step in certification.
i'm excited, and nervous.
i worry most about the dining choices, as usual.
sigh.
you can't let on about ANA when you are paid to help people become healthy.

better?

there are days that i feel strong. 
days i think
"i can eat the foods my body needs"
days i think
"i am getting better"

but then,
there are days like today when i wonder what
"better"
is

i am healthy, i am strong.
i am thin and i am lean.
i can run for miles.

i have the best form around when doing weights, plank, push-ups...anything they ask me to do.
i barely eat.
why is that broken?

was i healthier when i was fat?
was i "better" when i ate all day long?

because i was fat, friends.
morbidly, clinically obese.

i think i am ok.
i don't understand why it matters to everyone else.

i think it is because they are scared of they way THEY live.
no one likes what they don't understand.

why do i care???

i think that's the real question.