i felt like a fat ass all day long.
all i could see at the park were skinnier girls, and boys who weren't looking at me.
you will note in this photo the dress on the floor and my swim bag on the chair.
i literally walked in the door, dropped the dress, and took a shot of my ass to see if it looked as bad as it felt.
my ex-boyfriend used to get so mad at me for taking photos like this.
i couldn't explain it to him.
a friend recently recommended that i read "wasted" by Mayra Hornbacher.
in the first pages she explains why we take these photos, and i started to cry.
i can't keep reading this book.
i've never read ana books.
i don't think i can start now.
it frightens me how we are all the same.
i can't deny it if i read further.
because the way i see it....i'm still way to fat to be anorexic.
It's funny 'cause when I was moving I came across some pics I took of myself like that. I think it's b/c we can't really see ourself. We have no idea what we look like b/c we are so distorted. We constantly want to try to to find some objective way to SEE what we look like. And compare. And study. And scrutinize. and judge.
ReplyDeleteI have that book but it is one I haven't read yet.
ReplyDeleteI did this tonight trying to pick a dress for a wedding tomorrow - I settled on a mumu type dress, which probably makes me look fatter than I actually am, but at least I'll feel like I'm hiding in a tent all night instead of being exposed as the chubby lady I am.
ReplyDeleteYou look great! However, i can soooo understand your feeling. As Fed Up wrote, we truly can't see ourselves.....
ReplyDelete