email from my aunt...

This saturday nite?? we are going to an alumni dinner at 6:30ish...
what sounds good for you for the 4th... I want to have something that you will be comfortable w/ for food??? any ideas.... been kicking around maybe veggies roasted on a kabob (peppers. cherry tomatoes, pineapple, zucchini, ??? whatever else??) The cheese enchiladas I did in the crock pot last yr... would that be to much starch & cheese for you??? I want you to enjoy but not have to be concerned about what you are eating!! let me know!!!

more proof he will have an eating disorder like his mama....

so... my five year old son is currently in the process of eating an entire box of pop tarts
"so they will just be gone, and no one else can have them"

yeah, i did this.
hell...sometimes i still do.

caught?

"So you are eating hardly any calories, right"

that was in my inbox. from a friend.

fuuuuuck.

i replied
"i guess that depends how you define hardly any."

personal best

i ran a 5K in 26:50 today.
i keep looking at my time, thinking i am wrong.
i couldn't have run it that fast, could i have??

i did.

and i promptly celebrated by binging on 3 pieces of pizza and 4 cake donuts.
oh. i already hate myself.

apples don't fall far...

this morning my five year old son put his swim trunks on in preperation for a day at the water park.
he promptly pulled the full length mirror out into the living room....
looked at his behind...
and asked "how do i look??"

my crazy spreads.

thanks, me.

i have lost 11.8 pounds this week. i am smack dab in the middle of my comfort zone.
i have maintained all of my muscles, added a few i'm sure.

but my skin hurts, my body shakes,
and i couldn't have sex with my husband today.

i just couldn't.

last night i had recollections of my mother telling me "boys won't like you if you do that"
she used it for everything.
acted sassy, ate, picked my scabs, got a bad grade.
"you won't find a husband if you _____"

and i wonder why my self esteem is based in boys?
i know why not keeping the only boy i've ever really loved makes me take my issues to new levels.

if i improved ______, the boy would like me.
he would stay.

thanks, mom.

yes, things do feel better when i am starving.

so... i ate a vegi chicken breast and protein pita before bringing my son to the water park today. 140 calories.
i felt like a fat ass all day long.

all i could see at the park were skinnier girls, and boys who weren't looking at me.

you will note in this photo the dress on the floor and my swim bag on the chair.
i literally walked in the door, dropped the dress, and took a shot of my ass to see if it looked as bad as it felt.

my ex-boyfriend used to get so mad at me for taking photos like this.
i couldn't explain it to him.
a friend recently recommended that i read "wasted" by Mayra Hornbacher.
in the first pages she explains why we take these photos, and i started to cry.
i can't keep reading this book.

i've never read ana books.
i don't think i can start now.
it frightens me how we are all the same.
i can't deny it if i read further.
because the way i see it....i'm still way to fat to be anorexic.

am i living in a parallel universe, or are things really better when i'm starving?

down again.
another 0.8

i went to the water park yesterday with my son.
i wore a swimsuit.
and i felt good in it.
strange.

i taught my regular spin class, and it was full.
i even had to turn two people away.
crazy.

I'm in my safety zone.
-9 pounds since Saturday.

There is a bit of joy in this.
Sadness that my husband watches me waste away
& says nothing.

no unicorns shitting rainbows. not for me, at least.

down 6.4 pounds since saturday.

sadly enough, i had to use a claculator to do that math.
and it took me 5 minutes to even find the icon on my desktop.
i'm running out of fuel, girls.
no carbs left to fuel the brain.

i was asked if i was feeling better about my body, if there was happy at the end of the skinny rainbow.
i will soon be in my comfort zone, 2 more pounds. that will be good.
if i lose another 14 pounds i will be at my ultimate goal weight.
i think i can do this, i feel strong this cycle.

i don't think i will ever be happy with my body, though.
sometimes i look at myself, and it surprises me.
i know it should be less than enough.

but i'm a fat girl on the inside.
i always will be.
can't diet that away.

wasted

i've lost five pounds since Saturday.
today i went to the gym, my skinny girl trainer (who never compliments) said
"wow, you are looking especially skinny today!"
and my boy trainer (who will tell me my ass is flabby if it is and not think twice) said
"wow, you are looking thin and tight! damn!  are you buying smaller clothes?  even your face looks thinner!"
and then he goes around telling EVERYONE about how i wouldn't eat, and then he started training me, and i started eating and listening to him, and look!  wow!

you know how hard i was laughing on the inside, right?

thank you, boy who won't actually talk to me.

it's ironic that i'm the best anorexic in the world when there is any hint of drama regarding my ex-boyfriend in my life.
it's also the only time i feel anything.
then i choose to dull that pain with vodka and sleeping pills.
vodka and sleeping pills easily replace food.

viscous cycle?
or gift from the heavens?

better than saying "you are the only porn i need..."

this morning i ran 4.4 miles, walked another, and ran the bleachers four times.

my thighs are burning.

i told my husband all of this.

he replied...

"sorry honey, but you just don't eat enough to run four miles and run the bleachers."

awww....
he noticed! 
he's such a dear!

me vs. the world

i do not hate fat people.

i think sometimes that i throw that word around.

fat.

it doesn't meant to me what it might mean to you.

i was fat.
fat fat almost 300 pounds fat.

when i go places, like today when i went to mcDonalds for a playdate,
i look around and i see all these morbidly obese people with trays full of burgers and fries and full sugar cola's...ice cream.... sugared coffee that shouldn't even be able to be called coffee anymore.

i look at them and i think about the days that not only did i eat that crap (minus the meat)...
but also when i wished i could be as thin as them.
really.

i look at them and i hate that i was fatter.
i hate that i am now looked at with hatred, the way i would have once looked at me...
looked at with that "i might be fat, but at least i'm able to eat a cookie" look.

i look at them and i wonder how long it is until i become one of them again.

i realize that i've had an eating disorder of one sort or another since i was 15 years old.
i had skinny years of slim fast and pickles.
many years of fudge rounds and nachos.
and now i'm in the starve mode again. 
protein powder and rice cakes.  not together.

please, please, please don't let me be like that ever again.
the fear makes me angry.
it has made me bitter.

i'm not sure if it's the fat, the fear of being out of control, or the realization that the skinny i thought would make me happy didn't.

i often find myself stroking a bone or muscle. like a nervous habit.
like a security blanket.
i used to eat a bag of chocolate for comfort.
i wish i could find that comfort somewhere real.

I'm at mcdonads. With people who eat food.

I got a black coffee.

Fuuuuck.

$40 juice. really?

the owner of my gym has brought this into the club.
 monavie, super berry
he has the managers pushing it, and a few employees and trainers have jumped on board.
i just ignore the talk, but it gets harder and harder.
so i did a little research...and...
  its totally a scam. pymramid, much??


i've decided a few things.
1. i only trust one of my trainers now, the one who refuses to push this stuff.
2. people in the fitness buisiness are, in general, stupid and will believe anything.
3. i think pushing this to everyone who walks thru the door will hurt the reputation of the gym i work at.