all this protein is making my head hurt. seriously.

every time i have a session with my trainer, my head is spinning and i want to cry.
not because of the workout

bitches, puh-leese.  i am fierce.

but because he talks to me about calories and protein and blah blah blah...

it confuses my pretty little mind
(which i think is why he does it.)
(he's very smart for a dumb muscle-y guy.)

so today i caved and bought the stupid protein powder.
which i am sorry, i refuse to mix with peanut butter and bananas and yogurt.
i did it with skim milk (ugh) and sugar free hershey syrup.

so today i'm at 366 calories and 44 grams of protein.
i'm supposed to get to 80 grams every day.

as an anorexic vegetarian, i'm usually lucky to hit 15 grams a day.

oh my god.

if this makes me fat, i'm going to pop that little head off of his big old body like a preschooler pops the flower off a dandelion.

next time i'm going to mix some benefiber in.
i have to stay legit.

uhm.....

i'm going to blame my stupidity on low calories and low carbs, but in truth....
anyway.
i cannot figure out how to respond to comments you make on my posts.
i would like to respond
(like, hell yeah, honda CRV's rock!!)
(and I really dig chicks...your girl crush is approved!!)
but i just don't know how.
so help me.
or forgive me.

you choose.

crimson

so i had a few days where i thought for a second the eating disorder dissappeared.
i ate 1000 calories!
Like... 2 days in a row!

and i ate 6 donuts. 
6 krispy kreme donuts. 
and i felt bad, but not BAD.
and it wasn't even a binge...it was like...let me have two now...and later i had two...and then again!!

i didn't even have the will to run more than two miles.

and then i had a spot of blood on my TP.
the most period an anemic, anorexic, redheaded IUD user is ever gonna have.
and i gave a great big sigh of relief.

now it all makes sense.
and i'm back to normal.

one shot wonder

so i went to the carwash to get ready for a drive.

my car needed a good scrub and vacuum.

i look over and realize, 

the IS my life.

the life of a girl with eating disorder, in one frame.

Starbucks

(venti bold roast, 3 sweet and low's)

water

diet pepsi max.

(always MAX.  gotta have that extra kick.)

hand weights.  

(i don't dare presume the gym will have the weight i want.)

(and other people have TOUCHED those...)

heart rate monitor/ calorie counter

(because i always have to know...)

sugar free mint gum

(so i don't eat.)

100 calorie packs

(in case i do)

lip gloss

(i'm always dry.  everywhere.)

extra set of headphones

(it's hard to stay on the equipment at the gym for as long as i do without them)

knitting bag

(to keep my hands busy when i meet my friends for coffee...too many treats)

i open my mouth and the truth spills out

i usually go at this whole eating disorder thing with a bit of humor.
it's the same way i survived being fat.... being the funny girl who lightens the truth with a laugh....
but there are days that i want to scream to those around me who try to "help"
"do you have any idea how hard it is to know you need to eat, and just simply can not??"
"do you know how badly i want to be like you and accept my imperfect body??"

yesterday after a training session, my body builder trainer asked me if i was going to eat after the workout that burned almost 1800 calories, according to my monitor.
i looked up at him, and with true honesty, i said
"no."
usually i try to brush it off.
and he looked at me sadly.
he knows.

at least he left me alone.

i found this today.

the anorexic easter bunny.
it's tinier than you can imagine.  the size of my thumb, perhaps?

somebody understands.

pot of coffee, anyone?

this weekend my husband told me that my ass was looking firm.

now, mind you, this is the man who asked me to gain a few pounds in the rump because he has two perpetual bruises on his groin from bending me over and fucking my bony ass...

so he grabs my ass, and then states

"never mind...it's jiggly."

fuckity fuck.

cue the monday of no food.

now i know.

today i was at Target.

I had just left the gym after a grueling 2 1/2 hours of spin class/ boot camp/ personal training session.

i was feeling gross, but thin.

personal trainers have a way of making you feel hot.

(that and not eating for three days.)

anyway...

i came upon this hot dad and his three preschool children.  

i hear the little girl say 

"oohhhhh daddy, look how pretty that lady is!"

now, i don't think for a second that she means me.

and then as i pass her, she says

"and look how SHORT her shorts are!"

thank you running shorts.

thank you.

viagra?

i need a little blue pill cuz i can't get it up.

last night after a trip to the pizza buffet with the family
(daughter made first chair in band, so she got to pick a restaurant...)
my husband laughed when i came back from the bathroom.

"did you throw that all back up?"

nice.
classy.
way to be there for me.

way to remind me that i'm too much of a loser to be bulimic.
i'm a sad sad sad, epic fail.

so today i eat nothing.
and tomorrow, too.

pot of coffee. brewing. 

size matters.

so... the tag says small.

but the mirror states otherwise.

(for the record,  i took this shot to see what this ass would look like in these shorts during spin class....)

(because for some reason, which i no longer understand...boys watch me then. they must like whales.)

for the record, it doens't seem to matter. but i think it SHOULD.

i spent a lot of time this morning debating whether i would weigh less with a bra, or without a bra.

distribution of fat, and all.

yep...this is my life.

i want to run outside and kiss the rain under electrical skies

today after the gym, i just didn't feel done.

so i went to the track, and i ran a mile in a thunderstorm.

it was maybe the most beautiful experience in my life.

i felt strong and brave and sexy.

eventually i felt cold and wet and probably looked a tad bit crazy.

but i kinda AM all of those things.

so whatever.

because preschoolers just do not lie.

See, normally I go to the gym in the morning when my young son is at school and then again at night when my teen is home to watch him. But on Monday he had no school, and i didn't feel able to skip the AM workout.

So, yesterday I told my son he had to go to the gym with me.

To which he replied...

"Oh mama, I shouldn't have let you eat that caramel corn, and then you wouldnt be so fat, and you wouldn't have to go to the gym today."

Publish Post

I believe him WAY before those bitches that say I'm sick, and need treatment.

math is hard.

My five year old son is skinny.

like, bones sticking out skinny.

now, i KNOW that this child is a little tiny version of me (minus the bones)

for the other day before eating, he said
"mama, how many calories is in this banana, anyway??"

so anyway...the part that gets me is...

how the FUCK does he eat 5 times more than i do, and feels exercise is a good video game...

and weigh 40 pounds?

cuz the way i add those numbers up, i should weigh at least half.

the power of pathetic prayer to a god you don't believe in.

last night i felt SO bad after eating all protein and no carbs,
i sent a little prayer out into the universe.
my fucked up prayer went a little like this...

if the scale doesn't go down tomorrow,
i'm going to commit suicide.
amen.

and guess what?
down two pounds.

vita-something. maybe vita-fat ass???

today's spin class involved a lengthy argument about vita muffins.

let me set the stage.

i brought a vita muffin in for a fat girl at my gym who is on a diet.

they are a mere 100 calories, have half of your vitamins for the day, and are full of fiber.

they are organic.

i've been eating one for breakfast for a week or so. 

they give me energy, and i feel full.

when you are eating 600 calories a day, this seem like a miracle.

AND THIS IS THE LAST MUFFIN THAT WILL CROSS MY LIPS.

fat girl's trainer flipped out.

he looked at the box, saw the 21 grams of carbs to the 3 grams of protein, and said to never, ever eat one of those things again.

so, i won't.

must balance protein with carbs.

if i eat 5g carbs, 5g protein. 

and apparently we need 80 g of protein, but not so much on the carbs.

omg, i'm lucky if i get 10g of protein!!!

so i will work on the protein.

i will stay away from the carbs.

which i knew.

i'm not stupid.

i just thought....

i thought...

that these muffins were different.

i should have known.

it's impossible to eat a muffin, a chocolate muffin for that matter...

and be skinny.

just another reason why no one should call me anorexic.

would an anorexic even consider eating a chocolate muffin?????

my spin instructor said that was ridiculous, she 

EATS 4 VITA MUFFINS A DAY!

well, yeah bitch?  you are also FAT.

Eighteen months seems like fucking eternity

i've realized recently that i'm too thin to talk about my eating disorder in public.

people have little sympathy for the thin girl that thinks she's fat.

worse than that, some of them want to HELP me, and that just doesn't work for me.

so here goes...

SECRET ANA BLOG!!!

but for the record...

i'm entirely too fat to be anorexic.