We brought the kids to the zoo yesterday.
If 90% of the people there weren't morbidly obese... maybe the place wouldn't have been so crowded.

That whole maximum-capacity-fire-marshal thing should really be in total pounds, not total people.

This is what my mother in law made for lunch for 4 adults and two children...Egg salad, turkey, ham, two cheeses, breads, 2 bags of chips, spinach dip with bread, ranch dip with vegetables, three kinds of cookies. Strawberry whip cream cake,& brownies. I brought hummus and veggies.
I ate vegies and a spoon of hummus. I was heckled about dessert.
And dinner is in two hours.
Shoot me now.

oh shit.

i am a laxative addict.
i do not need them to poo.
oh no, i am a vegetarian...pooing is never a problem.
it's the control, and the small decrease i see on the scale that keeps me popping the pills.
there is probably something to be said about needing to punish myself for food i eat, or sins i've committed, or whatever...

anyway, that's for another time.

so i'd been stashing some in my gym bag.
the bag that used to be my teenage daughter's book bag.
that she decided to use again for school.

:(

she found my stash.
she had a fit.
because her school has a drug snifing dog on campus every single day.
if they get caught with so much as a Motrin, it's an automatic suspension.

that was yesterday.
guess who came thru her PE locker room today?
you guessed it.

i just dodged a bullet on that one.
can you imagine??

i am a terrible mother.

if i bought it in a box in october, the label would read "normal girl"

despite the bird like amounts of twigs and nuts i eat, the scale doesn't move.

but i'm getting smaller.

it's muscle.

big, bulgy, make-my-trainer-bat-shit-crazy-with-excitement-muscle.

yesterday he spent so much time talking about how great i looked, 

that one of the other clients told us to get a room.

jealous bitch. (with a fat, lumpy, shelf-like ass)

anyway,

i like this muscle.

but the number is making me panic.

wring my hands, get your shit together, panic.

i wish i could take it off when i got on the scale...

like a costume.

because that's what those muscles are...

a costume.

now before you say what i've thought about this photo (god, how FAT)...remember...those clothes are a small.   i wear a four. and i don't have an ounce of fat on my spinners legs.  that's solid muscle. and i eat 800 calories a day.

crazy, right?

I'VE GOT TO STOP WITH THE WEIGHT TRAINING

& no more walking lunges.

like a big sweater, only a person, not yarn.

do you ever just have those moments where you can feel everything that is wrong with your life?
like, you see all of the answers right in front of you?

i need comfort.
i need a hug.
i need love.

i have a family.
i have boys who want to fuck me.
(girls too)
i have a job i really love.
i have friends who support me.

but i need someone who wants to love me, more than anything.
someone who needs me more than air

i almost had it.

once, after that boy who did love me (and i loved him) discovered my eating disorder, and we were discussing how miserable hunger made me...
that boy asked....
"so if i'd just given you a sandwich, you would have been happier?"
i said "yes."
but i should have said
'just keep on loving me the way you do right now"

there are days i don't know how to go on like this, alone.

i laugh in the face of it!

today i went to lunch with my brother and son.

we went to a pizza buffet.

i had salad.
and half of three pieces of pizza....
and a brownie and a dessert breadstick.
( i know...half of three?)
(well, people see you take three and they stop worrying.)
(&the skinny part of the triangle is barely anything if you think about it.  i don't eat within three inches of the crust)

and because of the 3.5 mile hilly run this morning i am ok with this.

my brother has lots of seriously ill anorexic friends, i try not to scare him further.
see, if i were sick would i be able to do this?

i think not!!!

take THAT.

it's up, and it's down.

last night i went our for a run in a tiny tank top and tiny running shorts.
it was the most exposed i've ever felt.

my husband told me i looked hot.

i hope to hold on to how good that felt for more than a nano-second.

three strikes?

well, i did well at the race.

30:34 for a 3.4 mile race.

it was supposed to be a 5K but we fucked it up.

it was the first 5K we had planned.

oh well 

the husband did well, too.  he got a ribbon.

i was happy for him.

i will rarely post photos of myself on here.

only pictures of my body.

ana is a lonely thing, i can't be outed.

especially in the business i'm in.

but here i am sunday, with my son, at a baseball game.

this is the picture i posted from my phone directly to facebook.

the photo that made my trainer realllllly happy,

and restarted whispers of my anorexia not actually being cured all at the same time.

homerun?

pot. kettle. black and red.

so yesterday, two things happened.

i got an email from a fat girl telling me how to lose weight.

and my husband, who just started running (because of me) tried to give me advice on how to breathe while running.

to the husband i replied, 

"listen fucker, until you have a trophy, you shut the fuck up.  i am the runner in this family."

and to the fat girl, well....

"eat a slice of pizza while you count my bones, bitch"

saturday is the 5K my gym is holding.

i helped plan it, i will be manning the registration table and running.

i am scared.

i want to do well.

i don't want my husband to place.

is that wrong???

i am carb loading today and not working out. not one muscle.

this is 

t o r t u r e

since i am in the midst of a starve period for me.

but come sunday i will stop eating again.

wish me luck. strength. and all that good stuff.

and hello, brand new rib! nice to meet you. my other 2 needed a friend...

today my trainer made a big hoo-ha about how tight my body is looking, how my muscles are really starting to take shape.

now, this guy is a dick, and he never throws out compliments...so this is big.
HUGE.
he is the top trainer in the area.


he said "you have really been doing something right for the last two weeks."

and in my head, i replied...
"yeah, i stopped eating again."

it took me a year. anorexia works.

so... my boss at the gym saw old photos of me fat.
i was a size 26.
now i'm a 4.

he was SOOOO excited
(because i can inspire the fat girls who frequent our club)
that he took the fat photos and put them on the wall of our brand new gym,
along with pictures of me skinny.

in a frame.

and you KNOW the panic, self hatred, & mixed emotions this is evoking in me today.

i was fat.
i am skinny.
and i'm still not happy.

oprah said food can't be the best part of your life. so what does it say when NOT eating food is the best part of your life???

tonight i was sitting in an auditorium full of parents like me, listening to the high school band
(who's rated first in the entire state of Illinois, whoop whoop)
and all i could think about was how awesome my wrist looks....
how there is a deep hallow between where my wrist meets the tiny bone that eventually goes up into my thumb....
about how vein-y my hand is, especially on days that i lift....
and then i looked around me at all these other people.
some were fat, some were normal. one or two were tiny like me.
but i look at them, and i think they are lucky, or it is genetics.
and i became really sad.

can you imagine a moment that wasn't full of thoughts about food?
or not eating food?
or new ways to burn off that food?

i can't.

but i imagine that most people can.

and sometimes, i wish i knew what that felt like.

this is why i'm here.

whoever mentioned eating light laughing cow cheese on a rice cake in their blog, thank you.

it has become the highlight of my miserable days.

if I had gotten a card, it would read something like this...

so, my husband and children did nothing for me for mother's day.
my 15 year old daughter was asked by someone what she was doing for me, and she said
"nothing. i'm good to my mom every day."
my mom and my aunt both said to me, seperately...
"well, maybe you can work your way up at the gym and work in the daycare!"
(because being an instructor isn't the top of the fucking pyramid?)
and seeing happy, normal functional families everywhere, moms smiling, kids giggling...
all the happy facebook updates about how fabulous my friends were treated by their kids...
makes me downright suicidal.

i mean, if my own kids at their young ages take me for granted now, what hope do i have??
i am deeply alone.

so I popped a handful of laxatives,  a big glub of cold medicine,
and i went to bed at 5PM.

next year,
i am booking myself a hidden hotel room.
i am going to get a pedicure, drink mojitoes,
eat pizza and chocolate,
and lay in the pool all day
under the glaring eyes of all the fat moms that are around.

i should be downright skeletal by then.

i have a full year to starve.

the only good thing that happened was that my mother in law showed me pictures from easter, and wow.
i am skinny.
bony.
i didn't really know it.
i need to get my hands on those photos.

it's the little things...

i got paid!!!

for working out!!!

i am SO happy.

ironic that my check and my mortgage payment posted on the same day.

puts things into perspective a bit, right??

waif no more?

so i do love my job.
and the things that come with it...
like lots of strenght training for free...
lifting with co-workers...
nutritional talk all the time.
reps pushing supplements and drinks down my throat...

but...
i miss that
"if i sneeze i might break" feel

i've become strong.

and i don't think i like it.

rpm

well, this is it.

this is the view i have when i'm working.

well, actually, i am looking at a bunch of sweaty people...

but when i've got my headphones on and i'm working out a class on paper, this is what i look at.

i REALLY love my job.

i have three subbing gigs in the next two weeks.

i am the only person who gets asked to sub.

i think this says a lot.

fitness is a cut-throat business.

i see people stabbing each other in the back for clients on a daily basis.

in general, clients in a gym respond best to whoever pets them the most.

i want no part in this.

i want to put out a good class.

i want my people to drip sweat.

i want them to have fun, maybe make friends and find support.

i want...

just my little classes.

in my little gym.

i have no greater ambition.

and i think my coworkers appreciate this.

back to 600

i'm deep into a dark period right now.
i'm missing a boy that i love that i can not have.
my fear is that since i have no hope of having him again, i will become fat.

i'm working my way thru this at the moment by submerging myself in a diet completely of vita-muffins and whey protein powder.
i think this will give me just enough oomph to still instruct.
and not enough to gain.
i want to lose.

i need to lose ten more.
control..
for i can not control the other...
that thing that brings me down.

i hate knowing exactly what my trigger is.

my darkness feels like it needs some flirting to solve it.
i hate this part of me.


did i tell you that the lad i was flirting up at the gym turned out to be seventeen?
yeah, i saw him when i dropped off my DAUGHTER.
at the HIGH SCHOOL.
and he's my boss' baby brother??

they should make those kids wear signs, i swear.

and i'll be the coat check girl.

so today after yoga, the girl who told me i was
"looking bigger up top"
decided to tell me that my
"face was looking less puffy"

my body fat is 20.6%
hers is 32.8%

puffy, huh?

on an up-note, one of my trainer friends is opening a fancy strip club.