email from my aunt...

This saturday nite?? we are going to an alumni dinner at 6:30ish...
what sounds good for you for the 4th... I want to have something that you will be comfortable w/ for food??? any ideas.... been kicking around maybe veggies roasted on a kabob (peppers. cherry tomatoes, pineapple, zucchini, ??? whatever else??) The cheese enchiladas I did in the crock pot last yr... would that be to much starch & cheese for you??? I want you to enjoy but not have to be concerned about what you are eating!! let me know!!!

more proof he will have an eating disorder like his mama....

so... my five year old son is currently in the process of eating an entire box of pop tarts
"so they will just be gone, and no one else can have them"

yeah, i did this.
hell...sometimes i still do.

caught?

"So you are eating hardly any calories, right"

that was in my inbox. from a friend.

fuuuuuck.

i replied
"i guess that depends how you define hardly any."

personal best

i ran a 5K in 26:50 today.
i keep looking at my time, thinking i am wrong.
i couldn't have run it that fast, could i have??

i did.

and i promptly celebrated by binging on 3 pieces of pizza and 4 cake donuts.
oh. i already hate myself.

apples don't fall far...

this morning my five year old son put his swim trunks on in preperation for a day at the water park.
he promptly pulled the full length mirror out into the living room....
looked at his behind...
and asked "how do i look??"

my crazy spreads.

thanks, me.

i have lost 11.8 pounds this week. i am smack dab in the middle of my comfort zone.
i have maintained all of my muscles, added a few i'm sure.

but my skin hurts, my body shakes,
and i couldn't have sex with my husband today.

i just couldn't.

last night i had recollections of my mother telling me "boys won't like you if you do that"
she used it for everything.
acted sassy, ate, picked my scabs, got a bad grade.
"you won't find a husband if you _____"

and i wonder why my self esteem is based in boys?
i know why not keeping the only boy i've ever really loved makes me take my issues to new levels.

if i improved ______, the boy would like me.
he would stay.

thanks, mom.

yes, things do feel better when i am starving.

so... i ate a vegi chicken breast and protein pita before bringing my son to the water park today. 140 calories.
i felt like a fat ass all day long.

all i could see at the park were skinnier girls, and boys who weren't looking at me.

you will note in this photo the dress on the floor and my swim bag on the chair.
i literally walked in the door, dropped the dress, and took a shot of my ass to see if it looked as bad as it felt.

my ex-boyfriend used to get so mad at me for taking photos like this.
i couldn't explain it to him.
a friend recently recommended that i read "wasted" by Mayra Hornbacher.
in the first pages she explains why we take these photos, and i started to cry.
i can't keep reading this book.

i've never read ana books.
i don't think i can start now.
it frightens me how we are all the same.
i can't deny it if i read further.
because the way i see it....i'm still way to fat to be anorexic.

am i living in a parallel universe, or are things really better when i'm starving?

down again.
another 0.8

i went to the water park yesterday with my son.
i wore a swimsuit.
and i felt good in it.
strange.

i taught my regular spin class, and it was full.
i even had to turn two people away.
crazy.

I'm in my safety zone.
-9 pounds since Saturday.

There is a bit of joy in this.
Sadness that my husband watches me waste away
& says nothing.

no unicorns shitting rainbows. not for me, at least.

down 6.4 pounds since saturday.

sadly enough, i had to use a claculator to do that math.
and it took me 5 minutes to even find the icon on my desktop.
i'm running out of fuel, girls.
no carbs left to fuel the brain.

i was asked if i was feeling better about my body, if there was happy at the end of the skinny rainbow.
i will soon be in my comfort zone, 2 more pounds. that will be good.
if i lose another 14 pounds i will be at my ultimate goal weight.
i think i can do this, i feel strong this cycle.

i don't think i will ever be happy with my body, though.
sometimes i look at myself, and it surprises me.
i know it should be less than enough.

but i'm a fat girl on the inside.
i always will be.
can't diet that away.

wasted

i've lost five pounds since Saturday.
today i went to the gym, my skinny girl trainer (who never compliments) said
"wow, you are looking especially skinny today!"
and my boy trainer (who will tell me my ass is flabby if it is and not think twice) said
"wow, you are looking thin and tight! damn!  are you buying smaller clothes?  even your face looks thinner!"
and then he goes around telling EVERYONE about how i wouldn't eat, and then he started training me, and i started eating and listening to him, and look!  wow!

you know how hard i was laughing on the inside, right?

thank you, boy who won't actually talk to me.

it's ironic that i'm the best anorexic in the world when there is any hint of drama regarding my ex-boyfriend in my life.
it's also the only time i feel anything.
then i choose to dull that pain with vodka and sleeping pills.
vodka and sleeping pills easily replace food.

viscous cycle?
or gift from the heavens?

better than saying "you are the only porn i need..."

this morning i ran 4.4 miles, walked another, and ran the bleachers four times.

my thighs are burning.

i told my husband all of this.

he replied...

"sorry honey, but you just don't eat enough to run four miles and run the bleachers."

awww....
he noticed! 
he's such a dear!

me vs. the world

i do not hate fat people.

i think sometimes that i throw that word around.

fat.

it doesn't meant to me what it might mean to you.

i was fat.
fat fat almost 300 pounds fat.

when i go places, like today when i went to mcDonalds for a playdate,
i look around and i see all these morbidly obese people with trays full of burgers and fries and full sugar cola's...ice cream.... sugared coffee that shouldn't even be able to be called coffee anymore.

i look at them and i think about the days that not only did i eat that crap (minus the meat)...
but also when i wished i could be as thin as them.
really.

i look at them and i hate that i was fatter.
i hate that i am now looked at with hatred, the way i would have once looked at me...
looked at with that "i might be fat, but at least i'm able to eat a cookie" look.

i look at them and i wonder how long it is until i become one of them again.

i realize that i've had an eating disorder of one sort or another since i was 15 years old.
i had skinny years of slim fast and pickles.
many years of fudge rounds and nachos.
and now i'm in the starve mode again. 
protein powder and rice cakes.  not together.

please, please, please don't let me be like that ever again.
the fear makes me angry.
it has made me bitter.

i'm not sure if it's the fat, the fear of being out of control, or the realization that the skinny i thought would make me happy didn't.

i often find myself stroking a bone or muscle. like a nervous habit.
like a security blanket.
i used to eat a bag of chocolate for comfort.
i wish i could find that comfort somewhere real.

I'm at mcdonads. With people who eat food.

I got a black coffee.

Fuuuuck.

$40 juice. really?

the owner of my gym has brought this into the club.
 monavie, super berry
he has the managers pushing it, and a few employees and trainers have jumped on board.
i just ignore the talk, but it gets harder and harder.
so i did a little research...and...
  its totally a scam. pymramid, much??


i've decided a few things.
1. i only trust one of my trainers now, the one who refuses to push this stuff.
2. people in the fitness buisiness are, in general, stupid and will believe anything.
3. i think pushing this to everyone who walks thru the door will hurt the reputation of the gym i work at.

We brought the kids to the zoo yesterday.
If 90% of the people there weren't morbidly obese... maybe the place wouldn't have been so crowded.

That whole maximum-capacity-fire-marshal thing should really be in total pounds, not total people.

This is what my mother in law made for lunch for 4 adults and two children...Egg salad, turkey, ham, two cheeses, breads, 2 bags of chips, spinach dip with bread, ranch dip with vegetables, three kinds of cookies. Strawberry whip cream cake,& brownies. I brought hummus and veggies.
I ate vegies and a spoon of hummus. I was heckled about dessert.
And dinner is in two hours.
Shoot me now.

oh shit.

i am a laxative addict.
i do not need them to poo.
oh no, i am a vegetarian...pooing is never a problem.
it's the control, and the small decrease i see on the scale that keeps me popping the pills.
there is probably something to be said about needing to punish myself for food i eat, or sins i've committed, or whatever...

anyway, that's for another time.

so i'd been stashing some in my gym bag.
the bag that used to be my teenage daughter's book bag.
that she decided to use again for school.

:(

she found my stash.
she had a fit.
because her school has a drug snifing dog on campus every single day.
if they get caught with so much as a Motrin, it's an automatic suspension.

that was yesterday.
guess who came thru her PE locker room today?
you guessed it.

i just dodged a bullet on that one.
can you imagine??

i am a terrible mother.

if i bought it in a box in october, the label would read "normal girl"

despite the bird like amounts of twigs and nuts i eat, the scale doesn't move.

but i'm getting smaller.

it's muscle.

big, bulgy, make-my-trainer-bat-shit-crazy-with-excitement-muscle.

yesterday he spent so much time talking about how great i looked, 

that one of the other clients told us to get a room.

jealous bitch. (with a fat, lumpy, shelf-like ass)

anyway,

i like this muscle.

but the number is making me panic.

wring my hands, get your shit together, panic.

i wish i could take it off when i got on the scale...

like a costume.

because that's what those muscles are...

a costume.

now before you say what i've thought about this photo (god, how FAT)...remember...those clothes are a small.   i wear a four. and i don't have an ounce of fat on my spinners legs.  that's solid muscle. and i eat 800 calories a day.

crazy, right?

I'VE GOT TO STOP WITH THE WEIGHT TRAINING

& no more walking lunges.

like a big sweater, only a person, not yarn.

do you ever just have those moments where you can feel everything that is wrong with your life?
like, you see all of the answers right in front of you?

i need comfort.
i need a hug.
i need love.

i have a family.
i have boys who want to fuck me.
(girls too)
i have a job i really love.
i have friends who support me.

but i need someone who wants to love me, more than anything.
someone who needs me more than air

i almost had it.

once, after that boy who did love me (and i loved him) discovered my eating disorder, and we were discussing how miserable hunger made me...
that boy asked....
"so if i'd just given you a sandwich, you would have been happier?"
i said "yes."
but i should have said
'just keep on loving me the way you do right now"

there are days i don't know how to go on like this, alone.

i laugh in the face of it!

today i went to lunch with my brother and son.

we went to a pizza buffet.

i had salad.
and half of three pieces of pizza....
and a brownie and a dessert breadstick.
( i know...half of three?)
(well, people see you take three and they stop worrying.)
(&the skinny part of the triangle is barely anything if you think about it.  i don't eat within three inches of the crust)

and because of the 3.5 mile hilly run this morning i am ok with this.

my brother has lots of seriously ill anorexic friends, i try not to scare him further.
see, if i were sick would i be able to do this?

i think not!!!

take THAT.

it's up, and it's down.

last night i went our for a run in a tiny tank top and tiny running shorts.
it was the most exposed i've ever felt.

my husband told me i looked hot.

i hope to hold on to how good that felt for more than a nano-second.

three strikes?

well, i did well at the race.

30:34 for a 3.4 mile race.

it was supposed to be a 5K but we fucked it up.

it was the first 5K we had planned.

oh well 

the husband did well, too.  he got a ribbon.

i was happy for him.

i will rarely post photos of myself on here.

only pictures of my body.

ana is a lonely thing, i can't be outed.

especially in the business i'm in.

but here i am sunday, with my son, at a baseball game.

this is the picture i posted from my phone directly to facebook.

the photo that made my trainer realllllly happy,

and restarted whispers of my anorexia not actually being cured all at the same time.

homerun?

pot. kettle. black and red.

so yesterday, two things happened.

i got an email from a fat girl telling me how to lose weight.

and my husband, who just started running (because of me) tried to give me advice on how to breathe while running.

to the husband i replied, 

"listen fucker, until you have a trophy, you shut the fuck up.  i am the runner in this family."

and to the fat girl, well....

"eat a slice of pizza while you count my bones, bitch"

saturday is the 5K my gym is holding.

i helped plan it, i will be manning the registration table and running.

i am scared.

i want to do well.

i don't want my husband to place.

is that wrong???

i am carb loading today and not working out. not one muscle.

this is 

t o r t u r e

since i am in the midst of a starve period for me.

but come sunday i will stop eating again.

wish me luck. strength. and all that good stuff.

and hello, brand new rib! nice to meet you. my other 2 needed a friend...

today my trainer made a big hoo-ha about how tight my body is looking, how my muscles are really starting to take shape.

now, this guy is a dick, and he never throws out compliments...so this is big.
HUGE.
he is the top trainer in the area.


he said "you have really been doing something right for the last two weeks."

and in my head, i replied...
"yeah, i stopped eating again."

it took me a year. anorexia works.

so... my boss at the gym saw old photos of me fat.
i was a size 26.
now i'm a 4.

he was SOOOO excited
(because i can inspire the fat girls who frequent our club)
that he took the fat photos and put them on the wall of our brand new gym,
along with pictures of me skinny.

in a frame.

and you KNOW the panic, self hatred, & mixed emotions this is evoking in me today.

i was fat.
i am skinny.
and i'm still not happy.

oprah said food can't be the best part of your life. so what does it say when NOT eating food is the best part of your life???

tonight i was sitting in an auditorium full of parents like me, listening to the high school band
(who's rated first in the entire state of Illinois, whoop whoop)
and all i could think about was how awesome my wrist looks....
how there is a deep hallow between where my wrist meets the tiny bone that eventually goes up into my thumb....
about how vein-y my hand is, especially on days that i lift....
and then i looked around me at all these other people.
some were fat, some were normal. one or two were tiny like me.
but i look at them, and i think they are lucky, or it is genetics.
and i became really sad.

can you imagine a moment that wasn't full of thoughts about food?
or not eating food?
or new ways to burn off that food?

i can't.

but i imagine that most people can.

and sometimes, i wish i knew what that felt like.

this is why i'm here.

whoever mentioned eating light laughing cow cheese on a rice cake in their blog, thank you.

it has become the highlight of my miserable days.

if I had gotten a card, it would read something like this...

so, my husband and children did nothing for me for mother's day.
my 15 year old daughter was asked by someone what she was doing for me, and she said
"nothing. i'm good to my mom every day."
my mom and my aunt both said to me, seperately...
"well, maybe you can work your way up at the gym and work in the daycare!"
(because being an instructor isn't the top of the fucking pyramid?)
and seeing happy, normal functional families everywhere, moms smiling, kids giggling...
all the happy facebook updates about how fabulous my friends were treated by their kids...
makes me downright suicidal.

i mean, if my own kids at their young ages take me for granted now, what hope do i have??
i am deeply alone.

so I popped a handful of laxatives,  a big glub of cold medicine,
and i went to bed at 5PM.

next year,
i am booking myself a hidden hotel room.
i am going to get a pedicure, drink mojitoes,
eat pizza and chocolate,
and lay in the pool all day
under the glaring eyes of all the fat moms that are around.

i should be downright skeletal by then.

i have a full year to starve.

the only good thing that happened was that my mother in law showed me pictures from easter, and wow.
i am skinny.
bony.
i didn't really know it.
i need to get my hands on those photos.

it's the little things...

i got paid!!!

for working out!!!

i am SO happy.

ironic that my check and my mortgage payment posted on the same day.

puts things into perspective a bit, right??

waif no more?

so i do love my job.
and the things that come with it...
like lots of strenght training for free...
lifting with co-workers...
nutritional talk all the time.
reps pushing supplements and drinks down my throat...

but...
i miss that
"if i sneeze i might break" feel

i've become strong.

and i don't think i like it.

rpm

well, this is it.

this is the view i have when i'm working.

well, actually, i am looking at a bunch of sweaty people...

but when i've got my headphones on and i'm working out a class on paper, this is what i look at.

i REALLY love my job.

i have three subbing gigs in the next two weeks.

i am the only person who gets asked to sub.

i think this says a lot.

fitness is a cut-throat business.

i see people stabbing each other in the back for clients on a daily basis.

in general, clients in a gym respond best to whoever pets them the most.

i want no part in this.

i want to put out a good class.

i want my people to drip sweat.

i want them to have fun, maybe make friends and find support.

i want...

just my little classes.

in my little gym.

i have no greater ambition.

and i think my coworkers appreciate this.

back to 600

i'm deep into a dark period right now.
i'm missing a boy that i love that i can not have.
my fear is that since i have no hope of having him again, i will become fat.

i'm working my way thru this at the moment by submerging myself in a diet completely of vita-muffins and whey protein powder.
i think this will give me just enough oomph to still instruct.
and not enough to gain.
i want to lose.

i need to lose ten more.
control..
for i can not control the other...
that thing that brings me down.

i hate knowing exactly what my trigger is.

my darkness feels like it needs some flirting to solve it.
i hate this part of me.


did i tell you that the lad i was flirting up at the gym turned out to be seventeen?
yeah, i saw him when i dropped off my DAUGHTER.
at the HIGH SCHOOL.
and he's my boss' baby brother??

they should make those kids wear signs, i swear.

and i'll be the coat check girl.

so today after yoga, the girl who told me i was
"looking bigger up top"
decided to tell me that my
"face was looking less puffy"

my body fat is 20.6%
hers is 32.8%

puffy, huh?

on an up-note, one of my trainer friends is opening a fancy strip club.

groan.

how does a skinny girl celebrate an quick 8 pound weight loss?


with cookies, naturally.

is this confessional wafer calorie free?

dear baby jeebus on the chocolate cross,
please make my body eat itself until i get down to my-boyfriend-is-pretending-to-be-gay all time low weight soon.
like, this week.
or else i will hurl myself into a vat of nutella and slowly drown.
thank you,
me.

look for the girl with the broken smile.

a girl i've been working out with for about 8 months said to me today...
"you are looking so cute and tiny! but you are bigger on top!"
and that's where my mind stopped.
she went on to say something about how i looked less frail.
i'm sure she meant that as a compliment.
i am gaining muscle.

i mean...
what did i expect?
i'm doing strength training 5 times a week.
i can dead lift for god's sake.
i'm eating protein.

but
"big on top"
wow.

i almost hurled myself off the balcony.

i want to look like a waif.
i must look half dead.
the outsides must match the insides.

master class....master of something...indeed

so...
ten minutes into the drive to the master class with the other three instructors...
talk turned to how many anorexics they know
and how sad and delusional they all are.

we are the bane of the fitness movement.
(i'd like to think because we know the truth)

it was NOT an easy day.

but i did enjoy the body pump and combat.
the spin....those bitches ain't got nothing on me.

advanced spin

i have been quiet because i have been
busy.

i went and got one of those THINGS...
what do they call it???

oh yes...a JOB.

i've been lucky in life...
maybe because i've chosen not to be a full time working mama...
i've had the luxury of finding something i love and found a way to make money doing it.

it's been suggested i'm just an overachiever, and can't stop till i do it ALL...
(but i like my reasoning better)

but anyway...
for the last while i have been instructing spin at my gym.
it's a job.
there are meetings and salary and tee shirts that say
INSTRUCTOR
across the back.
(i'm an XS, thank you very much)

the old teacher was ushered out and i replaced her.
there has been drama that exhausts me.
i did not take the job until after she left.
but...she called me out in public about the ana.
THAT was a mistake.
i always win.

it seems like my success always comes on the backs of others.
i have a hard time with this.
but i suppose life is about the little choices we make.
i've made mine.
she made hers.

this weekend i have a master spin class in the city.
it's the first step in certification.
i'm excited, and nervous.
i worry most about the dining choices, as usual.
sigh.
you can't let on about ANA when you are paid to help people become healthy.

better?

there are days that i feel strong. 
days i think
"i can eat the foods my body needs"
days i think
"i am getting better"

but then,
there are days like today when i wonder what
"better"
is

i am healthy, i am strong.
i am thin and i am lean.
i can run for miles.

i have the best form around when doing weights, plank, push-ups...anything they ask me to do.
i barely eat.
why is that broken?

was i healthier when i was fat?
was i "better" when i ate all day long?

because i was fat, friends.
morbidly, clinically obese.

i think i am ok.
i don't understand why it matters to everyone else.

i think it is because they are scared of they way THEY live.
no one likes what they don't understand.

why do i care???

i think that's the real question.

all this protein is making my head hurt. seriously.

every time i have a session with my trainer, my head is spinning and i want to cry.
not because of the workout

bitches, puh-leese.  i am fierce.

but because he talks to me about calories and protein and blah blah blah...

it confuses my pretty little mind
(which i think is why he does it.)
(he's very smart for a dumb muscle-y guy.)

so today i caved and bought the stupid protein powder.
which i am sorry, i refuse to mix with peanut butter and bananas and yogurt.
i did it with skim milk (ugh) and sugar free hershey syrup.

so today i'm at 366 calories and 44 grams of protein.
i'm supposed to get to 80 grams every day.

as an anorexic vegetarian, i'm usually lucky to hit 15 grams a day.

oh my god.

if this makes me fat, i'm going to pop that little head off of his big old body like a preschooler pops the flower off a dandelion.

next time i'm going to mix some benefiber in.
i have to stay legit.

uhm.....

i'm going to blame my stupidity on low calories and low carbs, but in truth....
anyway.
i cannot figure out how to respond to comments you make on my posts.
i would like to respond
(like, hell yeah, honda CRV's rock!!)
(and I really dig chicks...your girl crush is approved!!)
but i just don't know how.
so help me.
or forgive me.

you choose.

crimson

so i had a few days where i thought for a second the eating disorder dissappeared.
i ate 1000 calories!
Like... 2 days in a row!

and i ate 6 donuts. 
6 krispy kreme donuts. 
and i felt bad, but not BAD.
and it wasn't even a binge...it was like...let me have two now...and later i had two...and then again!!

i didn't even have the will to run more than two miles.

and then i had a spot of blood on my TP.
the most period an anemic, anorexic, redheaded IUD user is ever gonna have.
and i gave a great big sigh of relief.

now it all makes sense.
and i'm back to normal.

one shot wonder

so i went to the carwash to get ready for a drive.

my car needed a good scrub and vacuum.

i look over and realize, 

the IS my life.

the life of a girl with eating disorder, in one frame.

Starbucks

(venti bold roast, 3 sweet and low's)

water

diet pepsi max.

(always MAX.  gotta have that extra kick.)

hand weights.  

(i don't dare presume the gym will have the weight i want.)

(and other people have TOUCHED those...)

heart rate monitor/ calorie counter

(because i always have to know...)

sugar free mint gum

(so i don't eat.)

100 calorie packs

(in case i do)

lip gloss

(i'm always dry.  everywhere.)

extra set of headphones

(it's hard to stay on the equipment at the gym for as long as i do without them)

knitting bag

(to keep my hands busy when i meet my friends for coffee...too many treats)

i open my mouth and the truth spills out

i usually go at this whole eating disorder thing with a bit of humor.
it's the same way i survived being fat.... being the funny girl who lightens the truth with a laugh....
but there are days that i want to scream to those around me who try to "help"
"do you have any idea how hard it is to know you need to eat, and just simply can not??"
"do you know how badly i want to be like you and accept my imperfect body??"

yesterday after a training session, my body builder trainer asked me if i was going to eat after the workout that burned almost 1800 calories, according to my monitor.
i looked up at him, and with true honesty, i said
"no."
usually i try to brush it off.
and he looked at me sadly.
he knows.

at least he left me alone.

i found this today.

the anorexic easter bunny.
it's tinier than you can imagine.  the size of my thumb, perhaps?

somebody understands.

pot of coffee, anyone?

this weekend my husband told me that my ass was looking firm.

now, mind you, this is the man who asked me to gain a few pounds in the rump because he has two perpetual bruises on his groin from bending me over and fucking my bony ass...

so he grabs my ass, and then states

"never mind...it's jiggly."

fuckity fuck.

cue the monday of no food.

now i know.

today i was at Target.

I had just left the gym after a grueling 2 1/2 hours of spin class/ boot camp/ personal training session.

i was feeling gross, but thin.

personal trainers have a way of making you feel hot.

(that and not eating for three days.)

anyway...

i came upon this hot dad and his three preschool children.  

i hear the little girl say 

"oohhhhh daddy, look how pretty that lady is!"

now, i don't think for a second that she means me.

and then as i pass her, she says

"and look how SHORT her shorts are!"

thank you running shorts.

thank you.

viagra?

i need a little blue pill cuz i can't get it up.

last night after a trip to the pizza buffet with the family
(daughter made first chair in band, so she got to pick a restaurant...)
my husband laughed when i came back from the bathroom.

"did you throw that all back up?"

nice.
classy.
way to be there for me.

way to remind me that i'm too much of a loser to be bulimic.
i'm a sad sad sad, epic fail.

so today i eat nothing.
and tomorrow, too.

pot of coffee. brewing. 

size matters.

so... the tag says small.

but the mirror states otherwise.

(for the record,  i took this shot to see what this ass would look like in these shorts during spin class....)

(because for some reason, which i no longer understand...boys watch me then. they must like whales.)

for the record, it doens't seem to matter. but i think it SHOULD.

i spent a lot of time this morning debating whether i would weigh less with a bra, or without a bra.

distribution of fat, and all.

yep...this is my life.

i want to run outside and kiss the rain under electrical skies

today after the gym, i just didn't feel done.

so i went to the track, and i ran a mile in a thunderstorm.

it was maybe the most beautiful experience in my life.

i felt strong and brave and sexy.

eventually i felt cold and wet and probably looked a tad bit crazy.

but i kinda AM all of those things.

so whatever.

because preschoolers just do not lie.

See, normally I go to the gym in the morning when my young son is at school and then again at night when my teen is home to watch him. But on Monday he had no school, and i didn't feel able to skip the AM workout.

So, yesterday I told my son he had to go to the gym with me.

To which he replied...

"Oh mama, I shouldn't have let you eat that caramel corn, and then you wouldnt be so fat, and you wouldn't have to go to the gym today."

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I believe him WAY before those bitches that say I'm sick, and need treatment.

math is hard.

My five year old son is skinny.

like, bones sticking out skinny.

now, i KNOW that this child is a little tiny version of me (minus the bones)

for the other day before eating, he said
"mama, how many calories is in this banana, anyway??"

so anyway...the part that gets me is...

how the FUCK does he eat 5 times more than i do, and feels exercise is a good video game...

and weigh 40 pounds?

cuz the way i add those numbers up, i should weigh at least half.

the power of pathetic prayer to a god you don't believe in.

last night i felt SO bad after eating all protein and no carbs,
i sent a little prayer out into the universe.
my fucked up prayer went a little like this...

if the scale doesn't go down tomorrow,
i'm going to commit suicide.
amen.

and guess what?
down two pounds.

vita-something. maybe vita-fat ass???

today's spin class involved a lengthy argument about vita muffins.

let me set the stage.

i brought a vita muffin in for a fat girl at my gym who is on a diet.

they are a mere 100 calories, have half of your vitamins for the day, and are full of fiber.

they are organic.

i've been eating one for breakfast for a week or so. 

they give me energy, and i feel full.

when you are eating 600 calories a day, this seem like a miracle.

AND THIS IS THE LAST MUFFIN THAT WILL CROSS MY LIPS.

fat girl's trainer flipped out.

he looked at the box, saw the 21 grams of carbs to the 3 grams of protein, and said to never, ever eat one of those things again.

so, i won't.

must balance protein with carbs.

if i eat 5g carbs, 5g protein. 

and apparently we need 80 g of protein, but not so much on the carbs.

omg, i'm lucky if i get 10g of protein!!!

so i will work on the protein.

i will stay away from the carbs.

which i knew.

i'm not stupid.

i just thought....

i thought...

that these muffins were different.

i should have known.

it's impossible to eat a muffin, a chocolate muffin for that matter...

and be skinny.

just another reason why no one should call me anorexic.

would an anorexic even consider eating a chocolate muffin?????

my spin instructor said that was ridiculous, she 

EATS 4 VITA MUFFINS A DAY!

well, yeah bitch?  you are also FAT.

Eighteen months seems like fucking eternity

i've realized recently that i'm too thin to talk about my eating disorder in public.

people have little sympathy for the thin girl that thinks she's fat.

worse than that, some of them want to HELP me, and that just doesn't work for me.

so here goes...

SECRET ANA BLOG!!!

but for the record...

i'm entirely too fat to be anorexic.